Thursday, August 28, 2008

who am i?

Droplets of rain fall from the darkness of the night, it is so quiet here. Pin drop silence. Even the breathing sound can be heard. It came all of a sudden. That kind of feeling once again. I hate it. But I just couldn’t control it. It started to conquer me slowly and slowly and then took full control of me once again. It comes more often recently. Can’t be prevented . neither could it be halted. So frequent it came that my fragile soul almost rupture completely from its strong fist.
Stepped into kmm yesterday, which was one of my alma mater… the feeling was nostalgic. Yup. You’re right. Everything is the same. Except the feelings and the people. Emotional…I do not know how to describe it but everything brings memories back to me and it was just so sour.. to the deepest of my heart. No one was there anymore. 1 year. It slipped past so fast.. I couldn’t imagine I’d done so much in jus one short year.
Miss hazel was right. I totally lost myself. My self-confidence. I’ve lost it. I do not know what I’m doing recently. And can’t even make simple decision or right choice. For example. I went the wrong way in lrt cause I sat the wrong direction. This was never gonna happen to me in the past. But it happened. Recently. Many things happen. The hardest of all. Yup. The DONKEY.. I’m no longer what I’m in the past. Hard I found a way to pick myself back during my matrix life after 2007 tragedy.. but who expects. So early in 2008.. I was hit hard again. Rock bottom is the best way to describe myself
Even miss hazel said I look pale . much pale. And much weaker compared to last time. In the sense of emotionally and physically.. mental strength.. zero..

This few days.. I tried hard to concentrate. To study. To memorize. To gulped up everything I’ve. But I was jus to distracted. My roommate is a great pleasure and pressure at the same time. Accommodation problems.. soul problems.. I can’t study like last time. Sitting down for hours memorizing and enjoying the jubilation after those few wonderful hours.
I can’t.. 2nd test is next Friday.. how?
Can I find myself back?
It remains a mystery…


~De Zhi (^-^)'' said...

i oso dunno what to comment...
i think u shoould use "Am i still who am i?" instead of "who am i?"..
i'm pretty sure u know who r u, but u just dun be urself...
As i say before be urself, its pointless to make urself to be a person u want.. may be u just lost a little bit.. (I agree with miss hazel that u reali lack of confidence sometime)
find out reasons which make u study as medical student here.. May be this will help u concentrate in ur study..
i remember a phrase stating that a person without aim is like sailing a boat without compass.. u now got ur direction so just move toward it.. remember u told me ur 2 aims? i still keep it as our secret.. hehe.. i hope u can think of what u promise me when u got no mood to study or loss in ur life..
emm, after i read ur blog, i can make conclusions:
1. Ur roomate reali make u stress n frustrated.. so dun compare him with u.. some ppl reali hav strength in memorizing or study fast.. may be u r good in other things, god very fair 1.. everybody has strength n weakness.. emm, juz be confident, u can do it!!!
2. u miss ur 183club n matric life so much... spend some time with them during the coming holiday... but remember u still hav ur own life to go through.. As long as they r inside ur heart, it at least can be ur sweet n sour memories.. i guess they oso dun wan u to live in sadness..
3. u dun know how to manage ur time.. i dun dare to say that i'm good in this field.. even me r still finding the way out.. coz sometime reali very busy.. ur medical life will be meaningless if u dun join any activities during campus life.. but u must know how to arrange ur time for both study n play.. hope someday u understand what i mean.. if u think u cant handle it, then u should sacrifice some of them.. try not to be too greedy..

Anyway, still hope u can cheer up soon... if u need to talk to me face by face, juz find me ya.. i'll be good listener..

ok la, need to stop or else my comment is much longer than ur blog le... haha.. plus ody very sleepy le, still leave a commment to u.. get touched bo? k la, cheer up!!! u can do it!!! be confident in what ever u do!! i oweys at ur site k? gambateh!!! ZZZzzzzZ

~De Zhi (^-^)'' said...

tell u 1 thing i oso get very unlucky n 'sui' dis few days... i get into troubles in whatever i did.. dunno y? may be we should think in diff aspect, lets think that the good things(sweets) r coming after the bitter, why not?