Friday, August 29, 2008

the best.. still

7 september 2008

a very memorable day for my coursemate aka good friend aka 7 flowers aka thursday(girl)..
it was her birthday and we planned a very memorable( i hope) birthday party and surprise for her.. well. the planning took not much time.. just a week or 2 i suppose.but, the effect was great.
knowing that it will be our mid sem break and all of us will be at home at that time, we planned a double party for her. 1st was in ktsn,ukm.. which was normal and brisk as it was last minute planning. but the second. was one that i was proud of.

most important.. was the guests that were invited on that day. it makes the party not only memorable for her but also meaningfull for me as i finally, after so many days, almost 2 months into uni, managed to group with my very intimate gang..

yean: hey, i'm sorry .. i gotta go back to um early. i can't celebrate birthday with
u.. sorry..
hc : never mind
hj : hey.. kt and chai could not come
hc : never mind
hj : haiz.. i failed to call any 183 to come again.. sorry
hc : never mind
hj : ur birthday only got me alison, ms and jo
hc : never mind

and then.. came the big day.. well.. i prefer to mention the day before the big day

that was one of my greatest day since i went into uni. the reason? simply. merely because qi hong and cher wei were here.. In ipoh !! with me.. awesome. my 183 gang. we are reunited again.. that night.. we went out for DOUBLE course of dinner. then late in the wee hours of the day.. we made a slide show. no.. something like a short movie. for our birthday girl.. slept at 4am.. wake up at 7am..

the short movie.. we creat it with tears dripping at my eyelid. as we insert those pictures we took in matrix one by one.. all the memorable events of 183 and 7 flowers flashed through my mind's eye once again..

one year.. it went by so fast. like a wind

the whole movie was about the beginning till the ending of our matrix life and our current life in uni.. 16 of us. all seperated into different uni in malaysis.. from the very north of penang till the very south of johor.. some even lost in action..

that night.. my heart pounded so softly as i flew myself back to kmm..

back to the main story.. the birthday party..
haha.. alright. it was like this. 8am. we gather in polo ground. 2 cars. 8 ppl..

one driven by the very lan yeng jacquez tan with sunglasses and spiky hair.
the other drove by the very demure alison lee with stunning look. (LOLX)

we gather at polo ground.. then i left them to find a nice location there..
i drove towards the birthday girl's mansion ..
when she sat in my car..
clearly. the disappointment was there..
what only u and alison?...haha. i think that was what crossed her mind.

when we reached the park again.. here came the game..
her duty. to find the people who will celebrate her birhtday with her..

and that blur girl..

her heart almost pounded out when she meet her friends.. nope. i mean our friends one by one.. 1st josephine. ok.. she knew she will be there..
then.. qi hong.. wow. happy. but she expected him too.
then come the surprise..
she was elated..
then, another big surprise..
choon yean!! she almost grinned her teeth out..
she thought she was back in um..
then ms too..
she didn't expcet these ppl to be around..

hope she was elated n blissfull...

then came the normal thing. song cake snacks..
but. the movie time..
we 3.. (183) watched the movie so touched till our tears almost fall... but they..
haha.. no word to describe them..

however... good times are always short..
time to go back.. i mean my 183 gang..
haiz.. the saddest moment is always the seperation part..

bid farewell to them... with very very heavy heart..

well.. this was no special thing as many birhtday parties amongst us were planned before this and ALMOST all were as successfull as grand as great as wonderfull as delightful as this..

but the vital point is.. our reunion.. huey chieng's birhtday reunites some of us. if not all..--> qi hong ,cher wei, hiang jin ,choon yean ,huey chieng ,josephine, mei sung.. at least we managed to gather even though we are from dirrerent uni.. oops. forget to mention our special guest ALISON too.. haha

brothers of 183... this time we may not be complete.. may not unite all of us..
but at least 3 of us meet. this was the best i could do . and i really appreciated your presence. it is not the party that matter but the reunion of us that touched me the most. i strongly believe.. one day in coming time, all of us can meet again and spend a whale of a time together..

just like what we did in our mv..( chai hong and tian tian de)

yup.. no doubt.. 183 still the best...kmm was never a regret to me.
even though i've regretted going into matrix b4 during my reign there...

You Are An INFP

The Idealist

You are a creative person with a great imagination. You enjoy living in your own inner world.

Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships.

It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close to you.

But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop.

In love, you tend to have high (and often unrealistic) standards.

You are very sensitive. You tend to have intense feelings.

At work, you need to do something that expresses your personal values.

You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist.

How you see yourself: Unselfish, empathetic, and spiritual

When other people don't get you, they see you as: Unrealistic, naive, and weak

Thursday, August 28, 2008



Observant, authoritative, indulgent, moral and witty.

Colors: male: green, female: turquoise
Compatible Signs:
Bastet, Geb
July 29 - Aug 11, Oct 30 - Nov 7

Role: Goddess of war and vengeance
Lion-headed woman with the sun over her head
Sacred Animal: lion

What is Your Egyptian Zodiac Sign?
Designed by CyberWarlock of Warlock's Quizzles and Quandaries

You are The Wheel of Fortune

Good fortune and happiness but sometimes a species of
intoxication with success

The Wheel of Fortune is all about big things, luck, change, fortune. Almost always good fortune. You are lucky in all things that you do and happy with the things that come to you. Be careful that success does not go to your head however. Sometimes luck can change.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

exam is next friday..i'm running out of time.. another dark moment seems looming..

who am i?

Droplets of rain fall from the darkness of the night, it is so quiet here. Pin drop silence. Even the breathing sound can be heard. It came all of a sudden. That kind of feeling once again. I hate it. But I just couldn’t control it. It started to conquer me slowly and slowly and then took full control of me once again. It comes more often recently. Can’t be prevented . neither could it be halted. So frequent it came that my fragile soul almost rupture completely from its strong fist.
Stepped into kmm yesterday, which was one of my alma mater… the feeling was nostalgic. Yup. You’re right. Everything is the same. Except the feelings and the people. Emotional…I do not know how to describe it but everything brings memories back to me and it was just so sour.. to the deepest of my heart. No one was there anymore. 1 year. It slipped past so fast.. I couldn’t imagine I’d done so much in jus one short year.
Miss hazel was right. I totally lost myself. My self-confidence. I’ve lost it. I do not know what I’m doing recently. And can’t even make simple decision or right choice. For example. I went the wrong way in lrt cause I sat the wrong direction. This was never gonna happen to me in the past. But it happened. Recently. Many things happen. The hardest of all. Yup. The DONKEY.. I’m no longer what I’m in the past. Hard I found a way to pick myself back during my matrix life after 2007 tragedy.. but who expects. So early in 2008.. I was hit hard again. Rock bottom is the best way to describe myself
Even miss hazel said I look pale . much pale. And much weaker compared to last time. In the sense of emotionally and physically.. mental strength.. zero..

This few days.. I tried hard to concentrate. To study. To memorize. To gulped up everything I’ve. But I was jus to distracted. My roommate is a great pleasure and pressure at the same time. Accommodation problems.. soul problems.. I can’t study like last time. Sitting down for hours memorizing and enjoying the jubilation after those few wonderful hours.
I can’t.. 2nd test is next Friday.. how?
Can I find myself back?
It remains a mystery…

Friday, August 22, 2008

mum.. i'm sorry

finally.. i've to tell her the truth. this few days i've been trying to cover this bad news from her.. but fire can't be wrapped in a paper. it will sooner or later be reveailed and she will know the truth soon.. what i gotta do? she has been asking me the same questions for numerous times. what did u get for your last exam? and today.. this very tiring and day full of gloomy. i've told her. that i got a D for my previous exam. her voice. and that moment. turned into another voice which i didn't hear before since i meet her 18 years ago.. i know she was totally disappointed.. high hopes had she laid on me.. and never had i upset her before.. but this time.. i knew she was totally disappointed with my performance. i knew. everyone beside me told me to put the blame on activity i joined. but, if i really regretted or vowed to turn over a new leaf, i'll never be indulging in any activities for now.but sad to say, i'm still as busy as ever.. i'm so sorry.. i felt so guilty.. this is the last thing i want to happen. to disappoint my mum. but i'd done it. i'm really tired. MERIT POINTS?!! i wanna give up. i couldn't affort. i'm not superman. nor iron man.. i'm just a normal man. i'm xian ren... not chao ren.. being sick for 2 days, plus lack of time to study and numerous activities and responsibilites yet to come for this week.. i'm gonna be dead soon.. how i wish i can be like my coursemate.. staying inside my room studying.. enjoying and relaxing myself.. i felt really tired.. i wanna rest. but i do not have the time. my progress in study is slow. i'm gonna fail the second module if i continue like this.. i'm sorry mum.. i disappoint you...

heart breaks when your hope fades.. when you made someone drop a tear, you're slicing your heart out from you..

i'm sorry.. mum.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

i'm fine

YONG BU YAN BAI!!! i'm fine.. thx to a great friend


I do not know where to start. But I should start from here. 16 august 2008. Jacquez wake up with energy and full of strength after a night long rest. He on his phone. And saw many unread messages. He was delighted. His buddy messaged him to be strong. His conflict with his friend has been solved finally and they can be as close as last time. He thought he has overcome it. He has full enthusiasm and desire. To stand up again. To fight back. To build back the reputation he once have. Yet, what has he done the whole day? He has only managed to study one small piece of paper. And the other things he did was wasting time. The same old him. Never tend to change even after his results is D..if u can’t see it clearly or you thought there is an error in typing. Then I’ll repeat. He got a D for his exam.. Try imagine. A person with such a track record of academic excellence, getting this type of results in his exam, how can he accept it? This is the reality. No matter how he still has to accept it. The results is out. He can’t denied it. What is happening to him? Put the blame on involvement in co-curricular activities? But there are somebody as busy as him and yet managed to score an excellent B in the exam. Why can’t he?
Today went jogging with one of my closest pal in university. Though he is not a good runner, he is terrific. Couldn’t even reach the footsteps left by him on the pathway. Another close friend of mine, a gold medalist. Predict him to be a great ping pong player one day if he has the chance. Congrats to him for just getting the gold medal in SUKEM. And another friend, a kind person, a runner too. Got medal in the same sukem competition. All of my friends are great people in sports and also pass their examinations with flying colours. But what can I do? I am not good in sports, neither I’m good in studies now. I felt that I’m so useless.

i'm nothing now. once a person with such a high determinaton and self esteem, a person with so much power and strength, a person with so much WILL and enthusiasm, now he felt like a walking corpse again. cry is the only thing he managed to do yesterday. for the whole day. from noon till night. a reminiscent of the time when his spm results are out.tears kept on flowing. he just couldn't hold the disappointment and sadness in his heart.he sobbed and cried non stop. the grief inside his heart is unbearable. he struggle to contain himself. he stopped for a moment. yet. he lost and agaony took full controll of him again. for 3 hours. weeping and sobbing full his room with the atmosphere of sadness.

He is very angry of himself. cause he didn't perform well. and he has lost his dignity. the worst of all chinese in ukm. how can he accept it? how can he meet people anymore? especially those who are close to him. he just couldn't have the face to meet them. he felt he is so useless. so small now. A typical melancholic. a perfectionist.

one day has passed. he thought everything is over. his buddy his senior keep on telling him formative assesement is nothing. it is not everything. he think he has let it go. but dunno from where and how. the agony suddenly struck his heart again. and tears flow out the eye again...

Monday, August 11, 2008

Time fliess.. indeed. Humans are always busy doing their work and carrying out their daily chores. But when you’re free for a single moment. Just only a single moment. And recollect every bit and pieces of your past. You’ll find there are many things you missed out in your pathway. Suddenly feel so free and relaxed. And decided to hear some music.. yet, it is always a nightmare every time he hear songs.
He has been struck by the sickness again. The same old sickness that struck him last year. It is such an amazing tale. He thought he has fully healed. But yet.. when wo ai ni ni shi wo de Juliet, wo yuen yi bian cheng ni de liang shan bo was played.. it breaks again. The scar split again and the pain was felt once more.不知道为什么,过了那么久,他还是会有这种感觉。可能,这是注定的吧。今天的他很空闲,听了音乐,就情不知经的流泪了。他曾经对自己说,不再痴心绝对,不再回想以前的一切。但,当歌曲一播时,不知从何方,眼泪就会掉落了。其实他也很奇怪,难道他对她还是念念不忘?没可能。事隔那么久了,原来第一的感觉是那么真实。那么长久的。这次回到怡保,人虽然有少少不同了。但,一切情景还在,回忆不管怎样都抹不掉的。有人对我说,痴心绝对不是一首感人的歌。但,每个人都有他的感性歌曲。梁山伯与朱丽叶,这首歌,有开心,也包含伤感。可能,到了今时今日,还是放不下。
We can adjust our watch. We can adjust our clock. But. Can we adjust out time? If you were given a chance to roll back your clock? When will you want it to be? 2007 .. I would like to go back to that year. From beginning , January.. I have plenty to do if I were given a chance.. tong hua.. qian li zhi wai.. without you in organ version..

Tears have never been flowing for such a long period of time.. but i can’t understand why he shed tears for so long just now.. he knew that the feelings are not there already. And that he had let it go. But why do tears still fall when the song is played? I really wanna know what is inside his heart.. virtually. He almost forgotten the name of the movie.. but he got it in just few seconds of thinking. Pulse.. maybe. Time will heal wounds but some wounds will stay for a long time..

Deep inside.. he wish her happy always..

4.30pm 10082008

Sunday, August 3, 2008

just let me go

life.. what is the meaning of life? just 4 weeks into my uni life.. i'm getting enough of it.. getting burned out.. getting tired and motionless.. i wanna give up.. give up every hope i've now. once. i told everyone b4 that my dream was to give hope to ppl. but now i've lost hope.. i'm really stressfull and all tensed up.. i can't take it anymore.. being a director for 2 drama and also the main actor in the same 2 drama? what am i? do i think i'm so great? no .. NEVER!! i'm jus a useless dump.. i can't take it anymore.. friends? what is it..? never even care of your feelings b4.. empathy? no.. it never appear in my life here.. where are u? where is friendship? what is the value of it? no matter how hard u tried.. how good u treat ppl.. they wil never change their perception towards u.. either they will say jia jia si.. or qu shi la.. or say u r a great pretender... does anyone really feel what is done? No.. sometimes.. treatint ppl too good will not be a good move.. in fact.. you'll be the one asking for trouble. why take all trouble to help ppl? to make ppl happy? they will think u r jus a clown. or a piece of tissue paper. when they need u.. they beg u.. when they are comfort with what they have.. they will not see u..

efforts. they say efforts pay.. but that is mere fantasy. no matter how many bruises u get.. how croak ur voice get bcoz of practising.. how pain ur fingers are as u is an idiot practising guitar.. how hurts is ur muscle and body.. how dirty is ur shirt.. you never get ur efforts pay back.. bcoz u r jus not gd enough.. accept the fate. JACQUEZ!! YOU"RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH..!!

no wonder ppl says medic is stressful. indeed.. if i could. i would like to get a bath now and satart studying. donwan to go to the welcoming night. donwan to act in musical drama.. donwan to do anything. but stay in my room and study. and do things i like..