Saturday, March 28, 2009

lost in a battle

I’ve tried to keep my feelings but I really can’t.
Twice I tried to keep it to myself, not wanting to affect others feelings
But sorry.
I can’t
I’ve to lash it out somewhere..
I tried to go to bed
To sleep
To forget this problem
But I can’t
And here I was
Awake again
Shedding tears again
2nd time of the night
I do not know why
But really quite emo
Tried to contain myself
Failed again
Just like what I did in my exam
Tension arised.
I know
Everyone is feeling the same
I just lack of that important thing
The thing that can build my confidence n optimistic.
Kept on thinkin of the negative part.
It caught me.
Stress. Here u are
U won
I admit.
I lost.
I am succumbed to stress
Every night I slept
With guilty of not finishing my studies
But I;m exhausted. I’m tired.
I cant. The same old problem arised.
My roommate is too great. He is giving me pressure . indeed
I kno he didn’t mean it. and I tried to ignore it..
I know many of u will falter also if u r in the same situation.
Every night.. if u sleep much earlier than him.. and every day spent less time studying than him,..
Will u think what u studied is enough?
Will u think what u covered is complete?
Will u think u r ready for exam?
I’ve been trying.
But really every tired. Gonna give up soon..
Every night still awake by 2or even 3am..
But there r ppl sleeping late at 4 or 5am..
Will u think u r well enough>
It is not the matter of comparing with other ppl
Is the matter of whether u can go through yourself of not feeling guilty.
Of feeling ready even thou u study much less.
I don’t know.
My mood is bad,,
Lash it out on u..
Sorry sorry..
My fault.
academic pressure surely gain the edge over me now..
lost in a great battle..
less than 4 weeks
4 modules.
4 once n 4 all
some more so many haiz.. dunno how to say..
calm down..... fu fu fu fu...
i'm fine.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

It’s another gloomy night as my close friend came visiting me again. I do now know why it is so often recently. It’s a hatrick scored by him.3 days in a roll.

haiz.. this word kept on come out from my mouth.

how? i do not know..

emotions are high.. have to controll myself.


just lash out here.. don care..

Life has certainly been full of thorns recently . admit it. I’m certainly not enjoying my life now. Hate it. everything I planned ended up in a mess. Fine. No more planning. Sometimes really think that I’m stupid. Felt tired. Exhausted. Don’t want to live in a life of everybody. Wanna live in a life of my own. Don’t want to care others. Stop all those planning to make a group clicks. Stop all those thinking to wrap up your friend. Stop everything to seal friendship. No one appreciate it.. NOONE.. stop wasting time. Redang trip for all chiness? What a great joke. Wasting of your time. Phone bill and effort and also money. Just go home and be with your parents. That will be more appreciative. And rightful too..183 trip during our holiday?? Well may work but you’ve lost your zeal to plan anything, let it be.. a weekdays trip during holiday? Enough.. no one is agreeing with your idea. No need to do extra mile. What comes on goes on. And leaves too.. activity activity activity non stop working. Do you think you are a robot? !! stop it !!

If you keep on like this. Definitely you’ll fail your exam. Enough thj.. no more bull shitting. Concentrate on studies. Put everything aside… work for yourself. No more care for others.

how you fare your formative? you know it. you know how you do it. worse than anything

how many questions you do not know ?

you may not want to unveil it. you hv lost it certainly.

lost your brilliance.. are you going in for exam or colouring..?

go back to kindergarten.

you can colour better at that time.

a shadow walking amongst the shallow lake..

thinking you may drown yourself but end up creating a joke of yourself..

angry of many things.. if only i can be emotionless.. no need care so many things.

live one day happy one day save one day.. can we do it?

such irony..

think of yourself. care for your own.. friendship relationship? forget it..

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

How long can something last?

I wonder

I wonder how

I wonder why

Life is so special

Life is so complicated

Minds are so complex

Human are so typical

Things are so strange

Everything so weird

the more u think
the worse u get
pessimist or optimist
u can choose
but u chose the road not taken


why must you be like this?

don't you think it is a bit over.?
you fight for it

and now you let it go..
too free is it?

whole year

one whole year

almost 365 days..
relentlessly you fight





and now you get it..

so many merits..
but you give up..

really like..
a fool

try to be clever
try to have motive
can u?
stop doing wasteful things
stop wasting energy
you re going to be anergy

thj.. stand up
speak out
live ur spirits
where is yong bu yan bai..
it is there
inside your heart
come on..
go go go
show ur power
live ur words
spread ur enthusiasm

prove to me you still have the spirit
the spirit..
once took u so high..
i know..
u still have what it takes

to be what you want...

SIEN AH !!!!
very very sien
lost of form
lost of determination
lost of yong bu yan bai
yong bai bu yan
haiz haiz haiz..
siensiesn sien

vistana or kt?
cyin, siang, or kt hc ali?
nice food or malay food?
no personal space or got single room?
share room or personal space?
gym swinning pool or football jogging?
monorail or bus?
shoppings n funs or studies n confined?
waste money or save money?
sick got ppl care or sick till dead?
studies can ask siang or self study?
no friends vs no friend.?
more entertaintainment vs less entertainment?
less study time vs more study time?
less activity vs more activity?
safe vs dangerous?
high risk of pregnancy vs no risk?


Monday, March 9, 2009

for everything
to relax
to enjoy
to rejuvenate
i love my home..

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

gazing at the sky once again

As i gaze through the pitch dark sky of the night in KL, i realize something.. it has been a long time since i last do this.. and my friends maybe will notice, many months had passed since i started my blog with this type of phrase.
The reason i 1st started to write blog is to spill my feelings out and to reduce the grief inside myself, and now. It seemed that i need to write again for this purpose. Luck is very fair to everybody, so do happiness and agony. Long has it be since agony last came visiting my soul, and the colonization of happiness in my cardiac muscle had given me much wonderful experience is my past months.
Really get upset with things recently, was trying hard to cover it up.. but as u cover more, the more it’ll be exposed. The stronger to try to hide it, the tougher you feel. I’m very tired , very tension and stressed out.. enough of everything that is happening beside me.
Gone are the days where i like to spill out my feelings to everyone beside me. Now, it seemed hard to share my soul with people. Becoming more passive and pessimist, it is certainly not a good sign as a fragile soul cannot sustain much tension and stress. There is always a limit to everyone.
I’ve many things want to voice out but I cannot said it out here because I know once I’d lashed it out it will be game over for everything. What I can do now is bear with it and do my best to maintain what I have now.. problems arising from family, friendship, society , organization.
Everything is so much, everything is different from before. Day in day out. Things changes, feelings ripen and fade off. It is inevitable that many things are not eternal. I wanted to said out how I feel but I can’t. I do not want to hurt feelings and do not want to jeopardize things further.
Life is fragile. People get old easily and heath become a tantalizing issue soon. Age soon will ripe us out of everything we have. The glory, the power, the strength, the demure. Envy is also a force that come calling us to the ravine of hatred, anger and frustration. I do now want it to end like this.. IT..
Tears is a good helping secretion from human body that can help us reduce agony n grief. But even now, I found out that I’d lost it. I’d lost grip on many things that once become the stronghold of mine. It is so loose. Everything changes so fast.. even my tears.. I’ve lost the power to control it. the power to spill it out from my eyes when I’m in grief.. I can no longer control things around me.. it is so abstract.. it is going to go soon. It is going to fade soon.. it will be leaving me soon..
What is it? only my heart can tells..