Friday, October 10, 2008

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Depression.. is it a sickness that cannot be cured? It is hard to be explained. He has been living happily for the past few weeks.. suddenly all problems seemed haunting him again, hitting him hard like a solid stone, stabbing deep into his heart creating unwanted agony, causing unbearable sour feelings. I do not know what is in his mind. He has said it hard and confirmed that he does not want. No. I very certain no to take up that role. And he also break out when he related his perception to his very good buddy. But, in the space of 24 hours, he changed his mind again. Yup, he is right. His sifu is right. It is almost impossible to control yourself and not be what you are. To be a person with a personality that does not resembles u is certainly a tough nut to crack. He is not his roommate. Both are different individual with different personality. He can’t follow him everything. Not involving in ANY activity maybe normal for his roommate but not for him. He certainly can’t accept that type of life. He is born like that. Nurtured that like. How can u ask someone so active like jacquez to keep himself inside his shell? To hide himself inside his room everyday.
Reality checks.. came the day when all his close friends got job to do. Let it be ajk or exco. But him? Left with what? Nothing to do. This is what he ask for. Free and easy. Relaxing lifestyle. Not bound by any commitment.. but. Is he happy? NO.. it certainly a strong negative answer. End up, he began searching for job to do. But what happen? He is not satisfied with the job available. He is certainly an idiot. Walking idiot. Stupid human with crazy thinking and an eccentric mind.
Recently. Really a lot problems. I agreed there are happy moments. But it comes with a price. And the price maybe too high. I miss kmm. I miss 183. I miss 7 fa. I miss c222 I miss baka.. I miss our base. There is no turning back. I’ve reach the point of no return.
Those who have fostered close friendship with me in kmm, perhapshc n ms.. maybe u all did realize something.. why I am not as enthusiast as before in organizing activities for weekdays compared to the past where I spent every heart and soul just to gather 183 n 7fa together? Maybe bcoz u all wanna say I have new target. But long before I have it I was already lost my enthusiasm in forging friendship. Sorry. I’m certainly in very bad mood now if my words hurt anyone I apologize.
I’ve done many mistakes since I came here. Compared to when I was in matrix. Hurting people feelings such as my buddy, not caring people feelings, my sifu. Playful flirtful stingy. And whatever. Even the simplest of mistake like getting into the wrong way of a lrt station also become a norm to me now. It never happens before.
Ya I’m still the same old me now. Proud arrogant zhi lian. But lack one quality. Confidence. Realld really very unhappy.. all problems came visiting like hari raya open house. Irresponsibility cause troubles to my buddy, not respecting caused sifu to be unhappy, my mood caused my friends around me to be moody too and my tangled up brain made myself very upset.
Si fu, you are right. I’m no longer the person I once was. I do not know how this could happen. Do you know I really felt very sad and sorry when u sent that message to me. I’m sorry. I don’t want to but I’ve done that mistake. I’m sorry. You’re right. I can only truly be myself when I’m with 183 and 7 fa. I’m sorry for other gangs here supporting me always and helping me. I do not know what to do. Your words truly speak out my heart. The very moment I finished reading that small note, I almost could not contain myself and wanted to shed tears. You’ve pointed it right what I felt the most. I can’t find myself back. Since the disastrous module, or maybe since the very day I stepped out from st. I’m no longer the very great jacquez once I thought I was. Confidence is low. Self esteem is zero. I’ve tried everything I can. To be happy. To be strong. To strive. To YONG BU YAN BAI>,,

No. I can’t. it is time to take the yong bu yan bai tag off from me. The words no longer suits me. No point hanging something which is not practical beside ur mouth always .

1 comment:

cyin said...

Feel bad , helpless to you ...
Hope you can find yourself back , as soon as possible ...
Everytime I read your blog , I really can feel your sour feeling , pain ...
Jia You ah , long time to go here ..