Tuesday, July 22, 2008


A thousand sorry and apology I’ve to say before I start scribbling but I just couldn’t find a way to splash out my highly emotional feelings now.. I’m sorry if what I’ve written angered anybody or cause any discomfort to you guys reading this stupid and childish voice of heart.. I’m not venting my anger on anyone or anybody but no doubt, I’m very furious, frustrated and disappointed now. I don’t know what is the main reason but I knew that this is my problem. It had nothing to do with anyone but myself to be blamed. If you are in my situation, what do you think? Hours and hours are spent. Days and nights gone. From time to time, nothing really came through my mind but this musical thing. And after much twisting of my brain’s cells and nervous system, I’ve finally came out with the idea of the whole story. Which was quite a bizarre story and weird..and maybe it is nothing but a piece of idiot’s idea. However, after much advice and discussions with friends and people and even seniors around me, the great idea of the story finally flashed upon my mind. Fortunately, the whole story line was figured out. No need to mention the hours of nap I’ve sacrified, and the time that I used up to figure out this thing. Most importantly, the effort I poured in this thing. And guess what? I think that I’ll only be the director of the show. I need not to act. Just to conduct the whole drama. And to make it successful. Then suddenly, they stood in front of me. With their persuading eyes, persuading me to be the main actor. Though I’ve insist not to be. And that I can’t sing so well like a super star on stage. I know my limits. I can act. Musical instrument? Perhaps a little bit of polishing work. But when it comes to singing? Never had I have the chance to shine as I was born like this. Haha. But they keep on persuading me and give me confidence. Telling me that I can and I’ve potential. Not forgetting their promise to teach me and guide me to be a great person on stage. Grazing through the dark black night, I’ve been thinking and considering for a very very long moment. And finally. I’ve decided. I’ve made up my choice. I’ve made up my mind. And my answer is.... As what I always practice in my motto.. to give it a try. Psychologically, I’m ready and I’ve gulped up so much courage and guts to accept this challenge. To do something that I do not even have confidence in initially. To indulge in an arena that is so new to me. But I’m ready. I’ve prepared myself mentally and have been thinking of it the whole time. Enthusiasm is strong and the spirit inside me are never so great before. I told myself. With resilience and perseverance, I can do it!
And guess what?? They suddenly told me that I was no longer wanted as that character. And the want me to be another character? What is this? This is totally a shock to me! As I’ve prepared myself so hard to take up the challenge. Now they tell me to play another role which was such an easy part. And I was flabbergasted. I do not know what to say. I do not want to vent my anger on anyone. No one is wrong. Just that…. Maybe is my attitude problem. Or my principle. Either u be the best or never be anything. Melancholic type of human is a perfectionist. And with my fluctuating mood now, I doubt myself to conduct this drama well as a director and the actor. Certainly, it is almost impossible for me to ask as the role which I so deeply refused to. And my emotions are like a volcano now. I hoped that I can control it but I’m totally upset. I do not know why. Maybe I’m just not as good as what u guys think. I’m just a creature full of emotions. A walking shadow. After all the efforts I didn’t get what I want and this is such an unacceptable scenario for a guy with such a high pride dignity.

I’m sorry. I never changed to what I want to be….. since the last time I told u all when i was in matrix..

p/s : and guessed what? i've wasted another night .. by writing this meaningless blog

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