as i gaze through the pitch black skyline of kuala lumpur, i can feel somehing is different. yup. indeed. staying in a new place with numerous characters of housemates is indeed something i'd never experienced before. as soon as i first stepped into my new house, 'vistana' nothing except a full inch of dust appear in my eyes. sorrow struck my spine and fear took full controll of me when i 1st caught the sight of my "new" home.. well.. then come the war.

war against the dust and dirt. we clean and clean and clean pack and pack and pack.. 48 hours.. it took us almost a full 48 hours, 7 strength of weak and weary soul fresh from holidays to just clean this small and miserable house. well. it turned out to be something fruitful..

things went as i planned. washing machine, fridge, wireless.. everything was set up and done as soon as we glide through the 4th day of life in vistana. new fridge new washing machine. wow. indeed an incredible experience..

then, summer always does not last long. suddenly, 7.2 magnitude large earthquake rocked vistana, making 7 of us scrambling madly for breath and life. losing hope and options, we do everything we can but to no avail. hoping against hope, everyone was trying badly to curb the catastrophe. unexpected one.. nope. i think it is expected.. as the cool and suave dark guy just stood aside and watch this scenario like watching a movie in IMAX..

the earthquake subsequently subside and soon things change. skies start to clear and sunlight is shining again.. in the darknesss of KL nightline, the gimmer of KLCC can be seen, shining through the darkness of eerieness. proving she is not fear of anything surounding her. not even fear. the fear of loneliness.

life. indeed is a roller coaster ride, a ride never ends.. till you breathe your last. the choice is in your hands. you had made yours. and regret is not a way to torture yourself. since you'd chosen the road not taken, be strong and bear through all obstacles that stumbles upon you. deep inside yourself.. you'd not changed at all. you are still the same old jacquez. as strong as you might see yourself. find back your true self. your personality.. everyone has high hopes on you. and you know who you are.. nevery say die and never allow defeat to take advantage of your soul..

it is a path of life. this is your path of life.. your destiny. yourself. maybe you are far apart from what you want and everything that you think may bring happiness to you, but there is always a silver lining in the clouds. rainy days will pass soon and blazing sun is coming to burn your soul.

prevail my dear friend.. you're who you are. there is always a saying..


yong bu yan bai. .

going back in few hours time. and i love everything about ipoh.. just everything. thank you very much. will miss here .. friends and food and family.. good luck everyone.. have a great 2 month break.. happy time. roller coaster drive at night and crazy swimming lesson plus scrumptious food.. fantastic movie and great steamboat .. durians. trips and holidays..all the best thing i'd in 2 months time.. looking forward again. roaring loud and coming back to class..
^^

time moves fast. as soon as we just blinked our eyes.. 2 months have gone. indeed it was so fast that i barely able to recapture what had i done for the past weeks. 2 months gone and we are going back. back to where we stride our 1st step in uni life.
one year gone and the 2nd yr is anticipating us.. it is reality that it'll be much tougher than the first.
then. all of a sudden.. they came across my mind.. as the going gets tough.. the tough gets going. will i be tough enough? will we be tough enough? how many of us will win the merciless battle this time? by hook or by crook... we must win. as the future is laid there. just a few footsteps away..
new life.. new hope .. new determination..
it's time.. revenge of the fallen..
haha..

time moves fast.. as fast as adrenaline surged through one's blood when he is on the verge of death.. and suddenly..
i hate it. disconnected again..
arghh..!! what a bad connection i have here.. streamx useless...

grief
pain
sorrow
hurt
all hit like a hard rock
on this fragile soul
once again..
it breaks into pieces..
one year wasted
nothing done
nothing gain..
a grass by the roadside
sigh..
life's meaningless
efforts splashed..
agony soared..
speechless
it's time to give up..
wondering..
what will happen next
YOU ARE JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH !!!
ADMIT IT !!
YOU are not brilliant !!
you are not great !!
you are not anybody !!
nobody..

shame and guilt..
it all filled you up now..
how can this happen to you..
a year on..
and..
what had u acheive..?
nothing
nothing at all..
do you know..
365 days are a huge amount of time spent.
and yet..
you gain nothing..
except..
pavillion..
time square..
bkt bintang..
petaling street..
sunway..
malacca..
genting..
and lots of money wasted..
u are such a useless pick of dead wood..
your presence does not have any meaning..
and you failed everything..
your parents..
your family..
your friends..
you are no longer yourself
or you are not yourself either..
hide yourself ..
in your past shadow..
keep yourself..
in the darkness of grief..
you owe everyboday an explaination..
you are such a disgust..
such a shame..
don ever show your face..
don ever shown up yourself..
you are useless..
you are nothing..
you are a rotten dead meat..
thj..

empty..
i started wondering.
whether i'm who i am.
i still could not find my lost self.
and i don't know how.
so many years on,
i am still searching for it.
and i can't.
and find the very pertinent element
and it seemed that it has to be eternal.
i doubt myself..
i hate myself..

life..
seemed to be cruel
to mankind..

reality
seemed to be harsh
to me..

whatever..
i lost my words..
i lost myself..

i surrender..
i give up...

close fail..
end case..
the end..

i don't know what else to utter..
disgust disgrace...
i hate it..