suddenly thought of this page. after almost 10 years missing in action.

hen fan hen fan hen gui shi fan. know this blog has no reader anymore after being left dormant for so many years. but i just couldn't find any way to spill out my feelings. my idiot feelings. one will even laugh at me when reading this blog. this stupid thinking.

he has been emotional all these days. since the day of the biggest shock
biggest shock in his life.
just couldn't find a way how to start to write this blog.

swim he has swam. jog he has jogged. gym he has gymed. and he even learn a new martial art- muay thai
but he just couldn't hide his feelings, couldn't forget the feelings. he knew that there is nothing wrong with people around him. just his mind. his mind is all the fault.

he tried to forget it but he just couldn't. do  not know what to describe this as. reality check? friendship setback? a setting for a small kid to grow up?

but he just couldn't understand. how come he just be a clown, a clown that make people laugh at him, that make people feel nauseated receiving his message, feel awry reading his sms. feeling wanting to run away looking at him.

friendship is nothing, but just a piece of sheet. as thin as a sheet, it can be torn, can be wet by water, can be coloured by colors... but he has failed in his friendship. his friendship is just a piece of shit.

what for going the extra miles for your friend, when noone will remember you, what for thinking so much of them, when noone ever think of you. what for ?

how is it? being betrayed. not to say betray, but being promised and promise is just forgotten. it was like...
just couldn't understand why he has to think so deep,. think so much.

just utter your anger here, unleash all your pain. be like others, don care for others, no need to help when they need, no need to think extra, no need to go the extra mile. what for?

as it is not worth it. just not worth it. not worth it..

happy day.. 090909... weekdays forever.. =)

183- A LEGEND NEVER DIES

b4 i hate that.. i was a very memorable day spent. with the wonderful gang of my life.
183. thank you. you all really made me roll down my memories back to the life of matrix.
the time where we enjoy and enjoy and enjoy only.. no worries and problem. nothing to be feared of..
just happiness, days and days .. not like life here now..
fight struggle fight struggle.. arrogance. bad attitude. IRRESPONSIBLE..
i wonder..
how would my ukm life will be..
if my housemates are 183? it would be wonderfull. wouldn't it?
we have a leader..
we have a spiritual leader..
we have a non stop working ketua perpaduan..
we got a happy go lucky joker..
we have an emo and full of fellings de ronaldo..
we have a blur manager..
i miss u all so much..

last night . was indeed one of the best time since i started 2nd yr.
life was full of thorns since we stepped back into ukm..
studies getting harder and attempting to choke me everyday with its merciless knowledge.
begging to be absorbed into my brain.. as a consequence.. no night has been filled with satisfaction.
5am.. 2am.. 7 am.. 4am.. u name it.. all weird time to wake up and sleep..
but still. it is not enough!!! stive and study.. still got the damm bad B or C approaching..
where is the A!!!!!

and then next... is the non stop activities of UKM .. persiap amsa persiap amsa.. when i was in 1st yr. i thougt that i can rest after i got enough merits . coz 2ND YR NO NEED MERIT..
and i was wrong. once again.. hurdles and more hurdles hit me in every activities..
and the stupidest thing is i cant controlled myself getting crazy or participating in activities...

and h1n1 came to hit my activites..
and my studies too..
ended up compact compiled and drowning for air and relaxation..
i gonna faint soon..

but what's next after fainting? u wake up and have to face the reality..


so finally god came blessing with all those hard work.. and finally i can meet with them again..
MY BROTHERS.... who REALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT I THINK WHAT I WANT AND HOW I FEEL..

we gather at 4pm(tentatively) but as usual.. 183 SUPER DUPER LATE ON TIME struck again. and i expected it.. =) BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND THEM.. and so.. they arrive at 6pm. so narrowly miss out on hc.. our plan changed and changed. and the programmer..thj., stretched his brain till the limit... luckily he was assisted by the mature and decisice tqh.. (as usual).. and soon we managed to give hc a BIG SURPRISE and she was relly happy. can see it from her smile..

soon we proceed to setapak and have our MATRIX STYLE STEAMBOAT again.. maggi. sausages./. crabstick.. chic balls.. all cheap cheap food and unhealthy..
but this time more modern a bit. we added some delicious mouth watering food from setapak as well.... and we ate ate te ate so happily.. chat n chat.. till the wee hours of morning. 3am.
and we go suppper..
4a.m.. we go left 4 dead..
WHAT?!!!
YUP 183 is in craze of left 4 dead too..
but pity those 2 gf. they have to wait for us n felt asleep there...
till7am..
and that was a night well spent.. a night of rememberance..
i felt tired..
exhausted.. and naussea.. lack of sleep n rest..
but deep inside my heart.. i smiled.. ONE BIG SMILE.. really for my 183 friends..

i know and i accept. that now life will never be as matrix.
no bed of roses nor 183 to be with u always.. we have all our problems.. we have troublesome ppl around us.. hard to fullfil task awaiting us .. merciless studies torturing us..
but it is always those memories that drive me to move forward.. looking forward for our next gathering.. it is the best time to flex our muscle and relax..


YOU GUYS LIGHTENS UP MY LIFE. EVEN IF I HAVE TO GO EXTRA MILE FOR U.. IT WILL NEVER BE A GRUNT FROM ME AS I BELIVES.. BROTHERS HAVE NOTHING TO LOST BUT EVERYTHING TO GAIN..


thank you.. it was one of the best time i had. we strive and work hard n fight.. and struggle.. all in our own uni and place..
but we gather again after a long fight.. this are what brothers for..
and those far apart.. the spirits always burn..

183.. A LEGEND NEVER DIES

i don like this... pls be responsible

friend

as the dawn approching, i felt a sense a vivid feeling that struck me all of a sudden, from nowhere...



night really brings us into the mood.. especially late nights..

read something somewhere.. and something out of nowhere appeared in my heart..



i felt.. that i'm lucky..



that is the word. lucky..

lucky to have you all beside me..

all these while..

striding through the patchy road in front of me.

climbing hills passing ravine..



try think of a situation..

you and your friend go out to a place to play.

a group of friend i mean..

and then. half of you went to a place..

the other half go to another place..

then all of you will meet in a restaurant for dinner...



so.. some will go there 1st definitely.. some will be late..

how about this...



a ask b to go there 1st to book the placa and sit there wait.. if not scare no place d...

then b says ok.. then a go enjoy himself.. themselves i mean..



then b wait.. wait.. wait.. wait.





clock ticks.. they waited..





























and waited..





























and waited..

























1 hour gone..































1 hour and 7 minutes gone.





















ok.. here is the question. if you are b .. what will you think and how is your reaction?



(a) angry, scold them

(b) angry but keep it.. keep quiet.

(c) ok with it but critisice them..

(d) ok with it but shoot them..









ya.. most ppl think d is the best answer..





but guess what happened...



























a reached.. apologize profusely..... b reaction was...





























nvm nvm.. I SCARE THEY ASK US TO LEAVE ONLY...



u know what it means?

b does not say..nvm nvm.... BUT I FEEL VERY AWKWARD LO.. SIT HERE SO LONG EVERYBODY LOOKING AT ME..



instead.. b just scare HE HAS TO LEAVE..



which means a cannot eat there..







great people speak greatly..


true friends speak for u...



thank you .. my friend..





p/s : next time try sing k la.. fun n crazy.

exam approaching..
ppl change like weather..
hot n cold..
gd luck everyone..
=)
be happy ya..

I WANT A CAR

I WANT A CAR..


WOW OF THE DAY= I WANT A CAR!!


a good day came to an end with this..

became a wet chicken..

running down the street of kl..

no.. actually is lanyeng swirl down the streets of kl..

all wet.. I WANT A CAR.

and yesterday. ended up ALMOST have to walk back from fac to vistana again..

numerous times..

walking walkin walking..

even have to walk from ktsn to vistana..

at night..

i don want to get donation pls..

!!!!

i want a car..

lost in a sea of.....

as i gaze through the blazing blue sky...
i start wondering..
who am i..
what is my purpose in life..
i mean.. not i think i;m useless.
is what is my target..
days gone ..
i seemed to be deviating away from my principle..
my target.. my dreams..
the never say die commitment which once i say aloud everywhere..
i do not know what it is now..
i tried my best..
i pick myself up..
but it seemes like i am running away from my dreams..
not concept.. my principle.. my perception...
getting hatred..
getting jealous..
getting kia su...
i know ..
know deeply ..
that i'm changing..
into a creature i never want to...
why am i here..?
what is my target in life..?
life in ukm of course..
fight fight fight..
but ironically..
i'm not fighting for knowledge..
why...
lost..
lost in my own sea of dread.. and greed..

thj.. you are lost..

searching petals and threes...

dusk approaching ..
and it comes again..
out from no where..
suddenly he felt emo again..
surely..
there is something..
but he can't find the cause..
he feels sleepy..
he feels kind of emo..

flashing back the years behind him..
there laid a wonderful story..
a full told story.
a fairytale..
or i would say..
a dream...

long has the dream gone..
and he has awaken for years..
and yet..
he still never forget the ever wonderfull dreams..

yes.. many think he is enjoying life now..
doing what he wants..
being with who he wants..
having everything he should have...

and yet...
noone knows.
deep inside...
he still can't erase it..
the momories...

tired.. he is tired..
just let it be..
let it go..
whatever..
drifting away from himself..
he is a walking shadow.
a corpse without a soul..
where is his soul..


here is a strange place to him..
a stranger.. deserted in a wide coast..
coast to coast...
searching his soul..
meeting numerous devils...
but noone has the same feelings...
same ideology...
same petals of flowers..

where are those petals..
where are those threes...
where are those laughter..
where are those dreams...

a place he missed..
is a place..






where they shout aloud...
yong bu yan bai..

friendship- never dies..

days slided through
months glided away
years passed by...
and so on..

together...
we grew up..
learning the knowledge of life..
plodding through our hasty life..
slipping through days after days...
from the tender age...
till the ripen maturity ...

from the voice of immature crackling of a young boy..
till the coarse voice of the grown up young man..
we spent many times together..
ups and downs..
sweets and sours...
HAPPYness and sadness...
anger and despair..
dejection and disappointment..

from 153cm-183cm..
we grown up together..
picking up the threads of life...
going through the growing stage of our tender years....

youth 7 we joined..
one society.. one dream...
1A1 2c1 3c1 4s1 5s1...
we spent everytime together...

from tuition classes to society chores...
walking to tuition under the blazing sun..
singing in class ...
shouting command on weekends..
going to camps..
organizing activities..
scoring GOALS....
shouting JI JI.. HAN HAN.. XIAN XIAN....
gossipping together...
who is good who is bad..

from raphael gonzalez jacquez ...
till the formation of ronaldinho henry beckham...
the three greats of youth 7...
creating album.. planning programme...
scoring A's together...

soon lovebuds struck us ...
and we blossomed into loving birds..
each having our own pair...
and together...
we done many stupid things..
hiding and fearing...
soon... fate took a huge twist on us..
and we too remained bachelor.. for some time...
together..
we went through the deepest moment of life..
agony.. despair... grief...

so we go on...
we keep growing..
and distance also started to grow..
soon we parted ways...
3 main roads to uni..
all conqured by us..
unfortunately..
we have to pay....
utp matrix f6....
3 roads.. 1 dream...

to pursue further studies..
we sacrified alot..
our best time together are long but gone
embedded deep in our memories...

however...
we still took the best of our time..
to gather..
and enjoy every moment..
till the latest episode of our life..
HAPPY.. really HAPPY for the period of time..
a huge break from the frantic schedule of medial life....

and now...
it is time..
that we part ways again..
distance are much further..
than any we once had..
HAPPY may just be our final memory...
though you may pass by me tonight...
and tomorrow you'll be far apart..
we will be far apart..
in this world...
pursuing our dreams...

though heavy hearted,
it is inevitable...
the day has come...
upon us...
we predicted this from the beginning...
now we are just facing it..
it's just years of stong bond and feelings..
that i shed tears..

the best of our memories..
from young till today...
shall notbe erased..
till the last breath of my life..
and those HAPPY times together..

i do believe..
one day ..
one place..
one time...
we shall meet again..

may luck fall upon you..
and all the best..
4 zhi..
yong bu yan bai..!!
henry beckham ronaldinho....
HAPPY always...

oh my god... a busy busy month ahead.. really busy....

get through it...
yong bu yan bai

AMSEP INDONESIA !!

A BUSY WEEK IS COMING..
indonesia is coming...
rain is coming...
amsep indonesia... finally you're here..
after weeks and weeks of preparation..
days and days of suffering..
so much obstacles..
so many problems..
drawback after drawback..
setback following setback...
now it is the time..
OUR TIME..
AMSEP UKM
this is our time to shine d..
many of us are down..
but not out..
many are taunted by the merciless virus..
but we shall prevail..

to those who has fallen..
be strong and climb up fast..
to those who are stricken by virus...
you can conquer it..
we have strong immune system..
to those who had injured themselves..
get well soon and have enough rest..

to everyone...
be in top form and all the best for our amsep activity!!

good luck... =)

cough cough...
cough cough..
ah chiu... chiu.. ngiok ngiok..
couhg.
cough.... cough...
oh my god.. whole house coughing.. like a trend now.. new fashion..
even setapak them are following this new trend..
cough cough cough couhg..
soon to have one week break.. hehe..
cough xouhg.
couihg.. cough////
pain throat.. cough.. fever..
help us..!!
HELP WE NEED...

found a correlation between weather and emotion and health...
haze. bad weather leads to bad mood and bad health.
sick.. grief.. haze...
no scenery.. no smiles.. no health..
so..
pls return to normal weather..
thanks god`

a series of unfortunate events.

yup.. it is almost the end of the week. and this is the time to reflect.
reflect what you'd done and what has happen in this whole week.
just as in PPD.
well. this is certainly a week to forget. as my title sounds. really many mishaps occurred.
1st. it started with the great sick of jacquez..
from hypersensitivity to stomach ache to diarrhea ..
next, my lucky stars seemed to be covered by the haze of kl skyline.
as i no longer can gaze through the sky anymore..
it is so hazy.. and dusty. cough cough..
unfortunes really fallen in love with me for this whole week..
my gf fall asick.. quite severe.. went doc twice.. my housemate too.. went doc..
then, everything i planned turned out to be at wrong ends..
birthday party totally out of planned and wrong timing..
buddy aghast for my lack of time for him.. and always ignoring him..
csl doc give my group a huge bang for our inexperience and misbehave.
the one and only light in my toilet burnt and i can't use my toilet anymore,
usually at nights where i am in great need of micturation
my roommate got irritated by YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS..
my close pal seemed to have troubles yet i've no chance to talk to her..
the bookshelf i wanna buy is sold out..
no time to spend at home with housemate bcoz of activities...
the sky so dirty and hazy that i can't gaze through it anymore.
and i repeat..
I CAN'T GAZE THROUGH MY FAVOURITE SKY ANYMORE!!
haiz.. such a miserable week..
everything was upside down..

yet. there are some pro's beneath all the gloom traumatising me..
her condition is getting better and i hope she'll get well soon..
the party turned out to be a success at the end.. thou it was a bit late..
i'm still in good mood despite all the dampening situations..
.... .... ....
that's it. what else..
recently many ppl are emo. can see some in lecture hall today.. some from the whole week . some on thurs only especially girls.. some at home..

many ppl get sick too as virus are concuring mankind ,leaping to a greater step day after day.
hopefully, everyone can be strong..
this is a tough period. hard stage..
i hope that everyone . everyone can be strong..
preserve though this unexpected stage of 1st module only of 2nd yr..

the sick can get well. the moody can put their smiles back.. the agonies can be strong..

there is always a saying.. and this time is for everyone..

yong bu yan bai !!

distance has separate us apart..
words are getting scarce...
laughter has long gone..
miss those good old days...

stress has conquered us..
anguish and agony...
both took full control..
like a strong batallion of army

so little is what we had done in the past..
so much is what we haven't done in the future...

unfulfilled destiny...
undone promise...

challenges seemed tougher..
obstacles looked higher...
a mountain we need to climb..
yet...
many more valleys waiting to be crossed...

only the tough one will succeed.
but who is the tough one..?

monday tuesday wednesday thursday friday saturday sunday..
everyday is such a tough nut to crack...

standing seemed to be a hard option now..
as the fallen is coming to take revenge..

no more crackling laughter among us..
no more sweet voices uttered out..


appealing to be heard..
is the voices of my heart..

went to see doc today..

doc said no big deal..
but i think is a big deal..
still pain..
die..
agonizing pain..
oh my god..
what is happening with my stomach...
diagnosis??
hope omeprazole can help me..
this is what the doc said..

sicking weekend

stomachache

i've stomachache
everyday..
diarrhoea..
everyday..
incubation period one or 3 days
then pain again..
is it menorrhagia?

tak tau..
diarrhea everyday also.
bi li pe le bi li pe li..
shit!!!
just like a shit..
going to die if persist like this.

yesterday went hkl..
allergy.. rash whole body..
injection..

sick sick sick..
sicking weekends

redefine yourself..

sometimes i wonder. what should i do what should'n i?
it seems nothing can be perfect.. but human always aim for perfectionalism
when there is a will there is a way..
but it seems..
way too hard..
way too much..
and you'll eng up jeopardising yourself..
once i wondered..
is it too much.,.
or too little...
it is better ..
to do nothing..
nothing than everything,..
as..
the more you do..
the worse it is...
it is indeed...
you creat problems for yourself..
friendship..
mayb is just a tool...
in life..
to plod on...
and no wonder..
it is so hard to find true..
and to be true..
even if you strive..
you may end up being
the wrong person...
better done nothing..
as nothing means excellent..

wrong is normal..
but it seemed i made too much of it..
till forgiven is no longer a choice..

only way..
is to keep silent..
hide yourself..
and end your role..
no more trips
no more party
no more celebration..
no more gathering..

just focous on your activities..
finished it.
and stop taking responsibility..
you;'re not a natural leader
not a natural great hero..

go hide in your room and study...
DON repeat your failure in 1st yr,.
or you'll never stand up again..
i wonder..
if i'm the inactive type...
what will i be now...

if i don't go the extra mile..
if i don care for anything..
if i just remain silent..
if i hide myself in others shadow..
from the beginning..

maybe..
i'll be a better friend..

to the 7 of you...


=(